A deal with the devil, alien babies, and sheep

In news today, the owner of RPGR was caught making back-alley dealings with the devil today. Despite the declining value of souls these days, the trade-in price of a soul is still rather high. It is rumored in this transaction that 22 souls, with a value of 500,000 years of purgatory, were on the table. It is unknown what was offered in exchange for the souls or where they came from, but a backlash is expected any day now from the conservative right of RPGR.

In other news, RPGR member Aldara was seen leaving the Mayo Clinic today. After further investigation, it has been determined that she is pregnant with an alien child. She declined to comment on who the father of her unborn child is, but unnamed sources have revealed that Elian Gonzalez is the father.

The civil case of Sheep of New Zealand vs. B4ct312i4Ir3zI has entered its seventh day in court. The sheep have accused Mr. B4ct312i4Ir3zI of years of repeated sexual abuse, seeking a five million USD in pain and suffering. Mr. B4ct312i4Ir3zI has declined for comment at the advice of his lawyers in response to these claims. However, the animal rights activists have been more vocal on this landmark case. "This case is another step forward for the animal rights movement," said OmniRose. "It's time, that people begin see animals as equals and not as just sexual object. Animals have rights too. They deserved not to be used as sex toys." In response to the controversy and support they have received, the sheep responded with a cryptic and ominous, "BAAAAAAAAAAAAAH."